Pabst Blue Ribbon

My first love was Pabst Blue Ribbon. She came out of the woods, in the hills, from a keg, into a plastic cup that cost me five bucks. I'll never forget when I first gazed into her sparkling blue eyes, and her frothy lips met mine. It was love at first sight.

We pledged to love each other forever and ever, but I guess it wasn't met to be.

In a moment of juvenile stupidity, I hooked up with a girl named Mickey's. I don't know why I did it; I knew it would be nothing more than a one night stand. She was such a slut, with that big sexy mouth of hers. It drove me crazy! I had the biggest headache the next day, and I vowed never to touch her green barrel shaped body ever again.

Pabst found out, and it was over for us.

But I was young, so I rebounded quickly. I met a girl named Bud. She was from a good family, royalty no less. The King of beers. Now I was truly dating up.

Bud and I became very close. I saw her every day. Even though her parents were loaded, she was a simple girl, happy to shoot pool and throw darts. Bud wanted to settle down, start a family, but I was apprehensive. I liked her, but I was young and I wanted to live!

So her little sister Bud Light started coming on to me. I have to admit, she was looking good in her coozie on the beach. She was working out, and had really slimmed down.

Bud Light and I became a legendary party couple. She was a model, so her job took us to all the hot spots: Daytona Beach, Cancun, the Indy 500. Quite the jet-setters we were! As her career skyrocketed, we became instant celebrities. You could find us at a trendy spot every night of the week. People constantly wanted to know what we were up to. "Whaasssup" they shouted at us. Even her dog became a celebrity.

When the dog started to get more press than me, I got jealous. I'll admit it. At that point I realized how selfish and superficial I had become.

So I didn't date anyone for a long time. I finished my education, started a career, moved downtown. I didn't need a woman in my life.

Then one day as I was walking down Randolph street, I met Wine. She was the most beautiful, smart, and sophisticated woman I had ever met. We accomplished great things together, and complimented each other so well. She moved in with me and we experienced a love so deep, so profound, that I asked her to marry me. The day she agreed was the best day ever.

A man flush with confidence will grow complacent. That's when the spirits come calling. Weakly, I couldn't resist them. The first was a leggy blond from Sweden named Absolut. Then there was a kinky Russian girl, Stoli, who liked to dress up for me. Sometimes she'd wear nothing but orange, vanilla, or raspberry flavored lingerie. Then there was a Polish girl, Belevedere...Oh man those Polish girls are sooo gorgeous!

But the spirits are a cold hearted bunch. They just take and take and never give. I lost everything with them: my job, my business. Wine left me. All of my cranberry juice and red bull was gone. The evil spirits spent all of my money and left me with nothing but a shriveled up slice of lime. They sucked the life right out of me and moved on to the next tool. It took awhile to get over them.

Right now I'm content to be hanging out with Heineken. She's a hotty. We have a very progressive relationship. She doesn't mind if I have a taste of Goose Island, Bells, or even Fat Tire once in awhile. I'm sure she's doing the same, we just don't tell each other about it.

Wine married a rich doctor, but we still talk. She's the only girlfriend I've remained friends with after breaking up. I guess that means I'm growing up.

I still think about Pabst Blue Ribbon. I saw her in the store one day and I wanted to say hello. I heard she got married, moved out to the country, had two kids. I heard she wasn't happy out there. I always wonder how different my life would be if we had stayed together. Pabst, if you're out there, lets talk!